Are you tired of your spouse nagging you? One of the areas couples often seek support in when they come to see me for marriage counselling or relationship therapy is communication. Frequently I hear him complain how
he would like her to stop nagging and her share how
she would like him to start listening.
Today I want to offer you a four step approach that is guaranteed to minimize if not eradicate your partner’s nagging quickly. (Stay tuned for how not to get trapped in the unpleasant role of being the nagger in my next post.)
If you were to ask yourself why your partner nags – what would your answer be? And no, it’s not because she likes to be annoying and ruin your moments of relaxation… 🙂
Don’t be fooled into thinking that nagging is just a tiresome habit.
Nagging is the precursor of trust issues and disconnect. Usually nagging occurs when the person feels frustrated. In their experience, things that have been promised don’t get done, or agreements that seem to have been made aren’t being respected. If this happens repeatedly, your partner starts to feel not only like they aren’t being heard, but
they start to think that they aren’t a priority and that you don’t care about how they feel.
C.O.R.A. – 4 steps to better communication and greater harmony in your relationship.
One of the main causes for communication frustration, especially when it comes to requests, is lack of clarity.
C – establish CLARITY. Reflect back to your partner what you have understood their request to be – especially with regards to the
timeline of execution. During couples counselling sessions I often hear “I was going to get it done…soon.” The only problem is, that your partner most likely had a specific timeline in mind and both of you assumed that you were on the same page.
Are you conflict avoidant? Do you try to please your partner? Do you want to avoid big discussions? If this sounds like you, then it is very possible that you say Yes to requests when you should actually be saying No.
O – stop OVERPROMISING. Even though you have the best intentions, if you are saying yes to things just to make your partner happy in the moment, it is going to come back to bite you. Whether you overestimated your own levels of energy and time or because you wanted to steer clear of conflict, your partner believes that you intend to do what you said you would.
So when you don’t … you know what happens…
Which brings us to step 3.
R – be RELIABLE.
When you agree to do something and then you don’t, not only does it create frustration for both of you, it also slowly erodes trust. Pretty soon your word doesn’t mean much and when you say yes or make promises, your partner will have an automatic internal “add on” which says “I’ll see it when I believe it.” Definitely not what how you want your partner to think of you. Especially because all along you are not intentionally lacking in follow thru.
This brings us to step number 4.
A – be ACCOUNTABLE.
Even though you have the best intentions, life is busy, unforeseen things happen and before you know it, something has either slipped to the bottom of your to do list of fallen off all together.
And that is OK.
Your partner is not your enemy and you don’t have to be perfect. What you do have to be is accountable. Let your partner know that the request or what you had agreed upon is on your radar. Let them know that you haven’t forgotten, and that you intend to follow thru.
This final step will alleviate your wife of the burden of having to remind you.
But not only! It will contribute to what I like to call a positive internal narrative. Instead of thinking negative thoughts like feeling unimportant and that you don’t care,
your partner will appreciate your thoughtfulness and support and will feel valued and considered. At the same time you can stop feeling defensive and frustrated. A win win for both of you and your relationship.
