The “J factor” almost destroyed them and everything they had built together
Jessica and Milo hadn’t talked for almost 2 weeks. Every time they tried to discuss something, things seemed to escalate into a fight. And lately, every time they had a fight, they were so fed up that they struggled to reconnect.
After their last argument they didn’t speak to each other for over 2 weeks.
It had gotten quite ridiculous and they were ready to call it quits. Marriage counselling and relationship therapy were their last attempt to shift the energy between them before splitting up. Their primary motivation to give couples counselling a try was their 8 year old son.
Milo’s summary of their situation was that no matter what, Jessica never appreciated what he did. There was no pleasing her, she was always criticizing him and regardless of what he did, it was never good enough.
Jessica talked about feeling like she was being taken for granted, that Milo was always busy on his phone and with “stuff” and never available when she needed support.
Both had come to the conclusion that the other person didn’t care about them and felt very hurt and frustrated.
Both felt like they were walking on egg shells when they engaged with each other.
Jessica and Milo felt hopeful when we discussed the J factor and the impact it was having on their marriage.
The J factor, much like shingles, is a dormant “virus” that can wreak havoc with and ultimately destroy your relationship.
Do you know if the J factor is active in your marriage and how to protect yourself?
The following 5 signs describe the increasing impact the J factor has on relationship:
- Defensiveness
- Misunderstandings
- Unresolved conflict that grows into areas of gridlock
- Erosion of trust
- Disconnect and lack of Intimacy
Another way of looking at this, is to reflect on your relationship and ask yourself what energy is prevalent in your interactions with each other:
JUDGEMENT aka the J factor or UNDERSTANDING?
It’s easy to fall into the habit of listening with “the judgemental ear” and translate what is being said into criticism.
You end up either feeling criticized and get triggered into defensiveness
or
you feel critical and judgemental of your partner and lack in empathy and compassion which in turn triggers them into getting defensive.
And so it begins and continues. Your misunderstanding snowballs and becomes conflict.
Over time you get discouraged because you can’t seem to discuss things without arguing. You start to not trust your partner.
You stop feeling safe emotionally in your relationship.
You start to close your heart a little bit at a time to protect yourself from the pain, you feel more and more disconnected.
The 2 essential components that turn this cycle around or prevent it from happening:
Part 1: make a commitment to face each other with love.
What does that mean? It means being mindful and committing to cultivating a positive narrative about the other person. It implies that you trust the love you have for each other.
When you talk you hold the intention of leaning into understanding each other.
Part 2: trust that you can create safety and well-being for yourself
Let your partner off the hook, and stop making them responsible for your emotional well-being. Instead, be accountable for your own triggers and soothing your upset feelings.
Let go of having to be right. Stop being attached to the outcome. Develop resilience that allows you to lean into understanding and move away from judgment.
When you face each other with love, you are open to exploring the underlying needs of your requests. You are in a position to investigate how you can contribute to each other‘s well-being.
When you stay connected to your boundary and face each other with love, you’re able to not take it personally when your partner says No because you understand that they are prioritizing taking care of their own needs first. (Going back to the principle of oxygen mask on self first.)
When you contain the J factor in your relationship and you to tip the scales from judgment to understanding you are building a foundation of trust.
When you are willing to suspend judgment, you are letting your partner know that it is safe to reveal their authentic self because you are committed to wanting to understand them. 
Now you are creating an upward spiral where you move from understanding to solutions to collaboration, all the while deepening trust and your intimate connection.
As always, I love to hear from you. Please share your thoughts in the comment section below.