Does your partner’s attitude suck?
Recently I sat with a couple who had started marriage counselling over six months ago and who had been able to very quickly translate some of our work together into positive love shifts in their daily life.
But then life got very busy, the first layer of distress had eased and relationship therapy felt less urgent. At the same time some old habits and ways of being with each other crept back in. They stopped practicing the various things we had discussed together that would support the rebuilding of their emotional intimacy and connection.
When I asked them to redefine their level of commitment to make the marriage work and to indicate where they thought their partner’s level of commitment was sitting at, they both gave themselves 70% and each other less than 30.
In the discussion that ensued around the significant difference between their own level of commitment and what they perceived their partner’s level of commitment to be, we identified the crux of the matter.
Both had started to interpret the other person’s behavior and actions negatively. Based on these negative interpretations and assumptions they then started to model their own behavior.
As their negative narrative about their spouse gained momentum, they fell back into an old pattern of keeping score.
Does that ever happen to you? Do you make assumptions about your lover’s intentions, feelings or thoughts and then do something in response to the idea you have created in your head?
Do you ever forget that you are always listening with your own filter and that your interpretation is about you and not necessarily “the truth”?
Would you agree that most of us have a habit of making negative assumptions rather than positive 
ones?
Wanting to be safe emotionally not only leads us to make negative assumptions. The desire to protect ourselves and our heart is one of the reasons we can get caught up in the scorecard.
Sometimes it’s difficult to feel vulnerable and put yourself out there, especially when you’re not sure that your partner will welcome and cherish your love for them.
If you have any kind of history of rejection or feeling insecure it’s not difficult to start imagining that your partner doesn’t really love you or care about you or that you’re only a commodity to them.
Once that kind of painful thought settles in your mind, your behaviour is likely a response to those thoughts or circumstances.
Circumstances, I want to underline, we’ve often created in our head based on our assumptions and the increasingly negative narrative.
When I discussed this with Susan and John and asked them what stopped them from showing up as the best partner they could possibly be, they were both quick to point out that they didn’t think the other person cared or was making an effort.
While this kind of attitude will “keep your heart safe” or give you the illusion of being emotionally “safer” it’s not an attitude that’s going to get you where you want to go in life.
I’m imagining that you have had a moment in time in your life where you have really wanted something. And perhaps your external environment was less than supportive or enthusiastic about your desire.
Many of us can remember a time, for sure when we were teenagers, where we really wanted to do something that our parents didn’t like. And many of us put considerable effort into achieving or doing exactly what we wanted without the approval or support of others.
Perhaps you’ve experienced this at work or in your personal life when you’ve set goals to follow your dream.
When something is a burning desire in your heart and you can trust yourself, you have a good foundation for getting where you want to go because you’re going to do all the things you need to do to get there.
Is your marriage falling apart because you’ve decided that your partner doesn’t want you?
Do you still love your partner especially when you are able to set aside your negative narrative about how they don’t love you?
If your answer is yes then stop waiting for the other person to take the first step towards you before you 
move towards them.
Start showing up as the best partner you could possibly be.
Start showing up as the partner you want to be and stop blaming your spouse for not being a kind, caring, affectionate and loving part of this relationship.
Make a point of changing your narrative. Start assuming good things rather than painful things.
If you find yourself spiraling down a negative thought process, stop and move to being generally positive.
If your level of commitment is higher than 60% you should be able to find something generally positive about either your relationship or this person you love. I always appreciate Byron Katie’s four questions.
You could just work with the first one: Is it true? Do you know 100% that this is true?
When you think for example that your partner doesn’t want you or doesn’t care… is this true? Is it true 100%?
What happens to you when you believe that this is true? Most likely you feel hurt, you withdraw or potentially you might “retaliate.”
But if you can find even the smallest shred of evidence that this person loves you or that they are lovable then you can shift your narrative and consequently how you feel and what you’re going to do.
Stop waiting for the other person to smile at you before you will smile at them. Instead treasure your own smile and how it makes you feel.
Treasure how you feel when you show up from your best place because withholding love first and foremost hurts yourself.