Imagine what it would feel like to do the dishes in the dark. You would sort of know what you’re doing because  you’re familiar with the layout of your kitchen sink  and the dish soap. But you probably wouldn’t be feeling very confident about the results.  If your goal was to have  satisfyingly clean dishes,  you most likely would be double checking with your  fingers trying to identify if you missed spots.  You might not be as relaxed as you normally are when you’re doing the dishes.  If you were hoping to please your spouse with clean dishes you might experience  some anxiety and a certain level of uncertainty regarding your ability of being a good dishwasher until you were able to see the results once under the light. Transferring this metaphoric scenario  to the bedroom,

how confident do you feel as a lover? Are you willing and able to ask for or give feedback?

As a relationship therapist who specializes in sex therapy and intimacy counselling, I often point out to couples that many of their challenges in the bedroom  stem from communication issues rather than physiological difficulties. About giving feedback:

• Sometimes internalized cultural, religious or family of origin belief systems can make it difficult to ask for what you want sexually.
• Another common obstacle is the fear of hurting your lover’s feelings.
• You might also be challenged by the “mind reading” myth where you think your partner should either figure it out on his or her own because otherwise you are making it “too easy” or it isn’t “mysterious” enough.
• Finally, you may feel that you are being “difficult” and that you want “too much.” You may feel intimidated by the idea of asking exactly for what you want. Or perhaps you already shared that you wanted a lighter or firmer touch more than once and it seems easier to just put up with what is happening.

There are no benefits to letting your partner “go blind” and not give feedback as to what feels good and what doesn’t feel so great.  Here are some supporting arguments to give feedback:

• Assume your partner wants to pleasure you and is interested in your pleasure
• You may also assume that your visible or audible experience of pleasure is a turn on for your partner
• If something doesn’t feel very good you are most likely going to tense up and “close” your body or split off mentally rather than being open and present, and this will impact not only your level of enjoyment but your level of connection
• You are responsible for your body and for your pleasure and potentially finding out what exactly works for you and what doesn’t

Think about it for a moment – when you go to a coffee shop you most likely have no problem asking for exactly what you want – extra hot, skinny, no sugar, foam on top and if you don’t get one of these requests you let the barista know. About receiving feedback:

If you struggle receiving feedback from your lover you need to check your ego at the door. Touching your lover’s body has to feel good to her or him. It is not about you and what you think would feel good. Instead it is  about what is actually enjoyable for the receiver. For men it can often feel frustrating or confusing because what “worked well” the last time doesn’t seem to be “right” this time. Don’t take it personally. Hormonal changes during the monthly cycle can impact the sensitivity of nipples or other areas of the body.

Actively experiment with giving and receiving feedback and explore together what is easy and what is less comfortable for you.

Schedule a love play session with the only purpose of exploring sensual touch.

Take 15 or 20 min each to give or receive touch and to give and receive feedback. During this exercise avoid the “Bermuda triangle” – i.e. avoid the nipple and groin area. Take performance or the outcome completely off the table and simply focus on learning about all the other areas of each other bodies that respond to sensual touch. Couples who have tried this often report new insights, new sensations and some surprising discoveries. What will yours be?