3 fingers: a simple practice to reduce conflict and increase connection with your partner
One of the most common “complaints” I hear from couples when they make an appointment for couple’s counselling or relationship therapy is how fed up they are with all the negativity between them.
Are you tired of bickering all the time? Are you a nag?
Does it feel like conflict erupts out of nowhere… one minute things seem to be fine and the next minute you’re arguing? Would you agree that those types of arguments rarely lead to resolving the real underlying issue? Instead you’re both most likely walking away feeling frustrated, annoyed or disappointed?
I’m going to invite you to take a moment and think back over your last few conflicts.
Do your arguments often start with one of you complaining, blaming or criticizing?
In other words, did one of you start pointing a finger and talking about something you didn’t like the other person was doing?
If that is indeed the case, most likely you ended up arguing about who was right or wrong, one of you got defensive or started explaining and you got stuck in that place where both of you want to be right.
How can you get out of this repetitive cycle? Grab a cushion and work with the three fingers!
Let me explain:)
Often when you get irritated you step into “trigger – reaction” mode. You point a finger at your 
partner and start telling them what is wrong with them or what you don’t like about them and their actions.
But every time you point a finger at someone – three fingers are pointing back to you.
I know that it can be really hard sometimes to bring our attention back to ourselves. It is very easy and tempting to get stuck in the energy of: “If you didn’t always ‘fill in the blank’ – then I wouldn’t have to feel this way.”
But remember, this is YOUR trigger and these are YOUR feelings that have developed from the thoughts that you are choosing and the story that you are creating.
Wayne Dyer used the metaphor of the orange to paint a picture of this dynamic. When someone squeezes an orange, juice will flow out of the orange. No matter who or what squeezes the orange – the juice is always orange juice. It doesn’t change flavour or contain pieces of the person who is doing the squeezing.
In order to reduce conflict and increase connection you need to be able to step out of reactive mode into reflective mode. This is where the “cushion” comes in. Connecting with yourself and identifying what is going on for you requires calming down just like you would if you sat on a cushion to meditate.
Some tips:
Calming down your body will help calm down the mind. Bring your awareness to your belly and take 3 or 4 breaths into the belly. (This activates the para-sympathetic nervous system which calms the body.)
Asking yourself the following questions can help you identify your trigger and your part in the conflict:
As you both take increased ownership for your part of the conflict and share your triggers with each other you will remember that this person is not “the enemy” but rather the love of your life. Building a culture of accountability will deepen your intimate connection and will allow you to make a “repair attempt” more easily.
If you find that you can’t calm yourself down easily, that you both experience difficulty listening to each other or you have the tendency to take things personally you might consider connecting with an experienced marriage counsellor or relationship therapist like myself who can help you with boundaries and communication tools.
Are you tired of bickering all the time? Are you a nag?
Does it feel like conflict erupts out of nowhere… one minute things seem to be fine and the next minute you’re arguing? Would you agree that those types of arguments rarely lead to resolving the real underlying issue? Instead you’re both most likely walking away feeling frustrated, annoyed or disappointed?
I’m going to invite you to take a moment and think back over your last few conflicts.
Do your arguments often start with one of you complaining, blaming or criticizing?
In other words, did one of you start pointing a finger and talking about something you didn’t like the other person was doing?
If that is indeed the case, most likely you ended up arguing about who was right or wrong, one of you got defensive or started explaining and you got stuck in that place where both of you want to be right.
How can you get out of this repetitive cycle? Grab a cushion and work with the three fingers!
Let me explain:)
Often when you get irritated you step into “trigger – reaction” mode. You point a finger at your 
partner and start telling them what is wrong with them or what you don’t like about them and their actions.
But every time you point a finger at someone – three fingers are pointing back to you.
I know that it can be really hard sometimes to bring our attention back to ourselves. It is very easy and tempting to get stuck in the energy of: “If you didn’t always ‘fill in the blank’ – then I wouldn’t have to feel this way.”
But remember, this is YOUR trigger and these are YOUR feelings that have developed from the thoughts that you are choosing and the story that you are creating.
Wayne Dyer used the metaphor of the orange to paint a picture of this dynamic. When someone squeezes an orange, juice will flow out of the orange. No matter who or what squeezes the orange – the juice is always orange juice. It doesn’t change flavour or contain pieces of the person who is doing the squeezing.
In order to reduce conflict and increase connection you need to be able to step out of reactive mode into reflective mode. This is where the “cushion” comes in. Connecting with yourself and identifying what is going on for you requires calming down just like you would if you sat on a cushion to meditate.
Some tips:
Calming down your body will help calm down the mind. Bring your awareness to your belly and take 3 or 4 breaths into the belly. (This activates the para-sympathetic nervous system which calms the body.)
Asking yourself the following questions can help you identify your trigger and your part in the conflict:
- What is familiar about this conflict? How does this remind me of my childhood or growing up years? Sometimes you will find that the trigger is part of an old “theme” such as for example “No matter what I do, it’s never good enough,” or “I do so much to make others happy but it never really gets appreciated,” or “Nobody wants me.”
- What story have I created in my head – what filter have I used to interpret what has happened?Two predominant filters that create conflict are judgment about the other person, or judging yourself, i.e. you either assign a value to the other person because they’re not doing what you would do in a given situation or you put yourself down because you believe that you are the cause of the conflict.
As you both take increased ownership for your part of the conflict and share your triggers with each other you will remember that this person is not “the enemy” but rather the love of your life. Building a culture of accountability will deepen your intimate connection and will allow you to make a “repair attempt” more easily.
If you find that you can’t calm yourself down easily, that you both experience difficulty listening to each other or you have the tendency to take things personally you might consider connecting with an experienced marriage counsellor or relationship therapist like myself who can help you with boundaries and communication tools.