Is Addiction Relapse Prevention part of your Wedding Preparations?
Are 
you worried your wedding plans might lead to an addiction relapse?
As a couple’s therapist and addiction counsellor who specializes and is passionate about premarital counseling, it is my job to help couples make wise choices in their wedding planning if one partner is also in recovery.
The lasting ripple effect of Addiction can sometimes come as a surprise, especially when the individual is sober and in recovery. Wedding activities have the potential to trigger a relapse. This concern can add extra and unnecessary stress for both of you.
Here is an example of an unfortunate scenario:
If you have been struggling with addiction while in relationship, you know that recovery affects both the addict and the individual(s) who love you. Often the loved one has witnessed failed attempts of sobriety. We know that addiction recovery is not about willpower, even though it may often feel that way… to both the addict and the loved one.
If you’re an addict and experience relapse you most likely also experience shame and feelings of powerlessness or hopelessness. As a loved one, you too experience a loss of hope. Plus you may find yourself waging a battle between feelings of bitter disappointment and a desire to be compassionate of the addict’s struggles.
This dynamic leaves scars in relationships and couples do well to seek the help of a marriage or relationship counsellor who also has experience with addiction counselling.
Addiction recovery involves coming to terms with loss. There are a number of losses. The loss of doing what you may have done previously as an addict. The loss of carefreeness for the loved one who remains vigilant until slowly trust has been reestablished.
Addiction recovery can impact the spontaneous sharing of your life with others.
While addiction in our Western Society is not necessarily considered a “taboo” subject, addicts are still mindful of who they are sharing this part of their personal life with. Admitting to or “owning” a drug or alcohol addiction can still have tangible social or professional repercussions.
While as a couple that is getting married you may be well aware of the perils of recovery, you may not have chosen to share these concerns or even the fact that there is a struggle with addiction with your respective families, friends ecc.
Planning a wedding that follows all the “traditional” aspects of what that will look like, wanting to act like a “regular” couple, is a legitimate desire for both of you. But you have an extra consideration to plan for. Continued secure recovery for the addict and ease and peace of mind for the loved one.
Anyone who has ever had any experience with addiction is familiar with thoughts similar to the following:
you worried your wedding plans might lead to an addiction relapse?
As a couple’s therapist and addiction counsellor who specializes and is passionate about premarital counseling, it is my job to help couples make wise choices in their wedding planning if one partner is also in recovery.
The lasting ripple effect of Addiction can sometimes come as a surprise, especially when the individual is sober and in recovery. Wedding activities have the potential to trigger a relapse. This concern can add extra and unnecessary stress for both of you.
Here is an example of an unfortunate scenario:
The Stag without compromise – Peter has a relapse a week before the wedding: Peter had been clean and sober from cocaine use off and on over the last 3 years. He had relapsed a number of times for various reasons. Jessica has felt betrayed by his lying and attempted cover ups. Lack of trust has been an ongoing issue for them during the 5 year relationship. Last year they decided that they were going to go ahead with wedding plans. Peter reiterated his sincere dedication to recovery. He didn’t want to risk losing Jessica ecc. Both the couple’s family and friends were aware of Peter’s struggles. Peter tends to be very concerned about how he is perceived in the world and had decided that he wanted to have a “typical” stag. Jessica started to worry. Peter reassured her that he would be fine. He intended to only have 2 drinks and would definitely not do cocaine. He felt solid in his recovery. So solid in fact, that he wasn’t willing to set some guidelines, such as asking his friends not to bring any drugs to the stag. He promised that he would take a cab home at 2 am. He was reluctant to make adjustments to the activities planned for the stag because he wanted his friends to have a good time. He didn’t want anyone to recall his stag as a boring event. Peter ended up having a number of drinks. And as had been his pattern, by drink 3 the idea of doing a line or two had become very appealing. He came home at 6 am drunk and high. Jessica was devastated and wanted to call off the wedding. Peter was devastated as well and didn’t know what amends he could make after having broken yet another promise.
If you have been struggling with addiction while in relationship, you know that recovery affects both the addict and the individual(s) who love you. Often the loved one has witnessed failed attempts of sobriety. We know that addiction recovery is not about willpower, even though it may often feel that way… to both the addict and the loved one.
If you’re an addict and experience relapse you most likely also experience shame and feelings of powerlessness or hopelessness. As a loved one, you too experience a loss of hope. Plus you may find yourself waging a battle between feelings of bitter disappointment and a desire to be compassionate of the addict’s struggles.
This dynamic leaves scars in relationships and couples do well to seek the help of a marriage or relationship counsellor who also has experience with addiction counselling.
Addiction recovery involves coming to terms with loss. There are a number of losses. The loss of doing what you may have done previously as an addict. The loss of carefreeness for the loved one who remains vigilant until slowly trust has been reestablished.
Addiction recovery can impact the spontaneous sharing of your life with others.
While addiction in our Western Society is not necessarily considered a “taboo” subject, addicts are still mindful of who they are sharing this part of their personal life with. Admitting to or “owning” a drug or alcohol addiction can still have tangible social or professional repercussions.
While as a couple that is getting married you may be well aware of the perils of recovery, you may not have chosen to share these concerns or even the fact that there is a struggle with addiction with your respective families, friends ecc.
Planning a wedding that follows all the “traditional” aspects of what that will look like, wanting to act like a “regular” couple, is a legitimate desire for both of you. But you have an extra consideration to plan for. Continued secure recovery for the addict and ease and peace of mind for the loved one.
Anyone who has ever had any experience with addiction is familiar with thoughts similar to the following:
- I am in control now, I can have just one drink and stop
- Things are different now. I am solid in my sobriety and can say no to drugs even if others around me are using
- I can’t even imagine doing what I used to do again. The thought of drinking (smoking, snorting ….fill in the blank) actually makes me nauseous and totally turns me off
- And anyone who has ever loved an addict and has experienced them relapse will not believe or have a very difficult time believing any of the above. This often ensues in conflict. The addict feels hurt, the loved one feels frustrated.
- What is more important – that friends will rave about your “cool” stag or that you both navigate this part of the wedding preparation peacefully and without conflict?
- Are you willing to make compromises and come to terms with the loss of “not being able to do what others do” or do you feel “entitled” to a “real” stag?
- Are you willing to risk your sobriety for an evening of fun and games?
- Are you willing to put your partner thru considerable anxiety for the sake of a party?
- Are you ready and willing to be gracious rather than lapse into grief and passive aggressive victim behavior “because you can’t have a party like everyone else”?
- Are you willing to set clear boundaries with your friends about what is acceptable at your party? (this does not have to entail full disclosure of your addiction)
- Discuss together what are the “have to haves” for you at your stag(ette) and what are the “nice to haves”. Remember to
look at the big picture in your planning. Discuss your values. What would you like your stag to symbolize for you – rather than what society has turned it into being the symbol of. - Think outside the box – create a daytime event that involves sports (like golfing or rock climbing). Finish off with a dinner in a public setting rather than a private room that will encourage people to drink (and potentially offer you a “hiding place”)
- Let friends know that instead of spending money on liquor you would like to use this occasion as a fundraiser for a cause near and dear to your heart.
- Plan a Jack and Jill stag. Shift the focus from drinking to engaging activities and games. Be a support for each other during the evening.
- Let friends know that one of your values for your life together is being healthy together and one day raise a healthy family. Share that you are using the stag as a symbolic beginning of such a life together.
