Pillow Talk Part 1: Communication Tips from an Intimacy Counsellor

Are you comfortable talking about sex with your partner? This is one of the first questions I ask couples who come to my Burnaby Marriage counselling practice  for Sex Therapy or Intimacy counselling. While we are flooded with all types of sexual images in the media and many marketing strategies use “sexiness” to entice us to buy something, many couples are not very comfortable conversing about sex. Often lovers hesitate because they don’t want hurt their partner’s feelings or because they feel embarrassed or shy. Do you know your partner’s preferences when it comes to sensuality or sexuality?  If you have been together for a longer period of time you might be making the assumption that you do. But when was the last time you actually talked about it? We all change with time, be it due to our aging bodies, health or other reasons. Just like macaroni and cheese may no longer be your favorite meal since the days of university, the way you like your clitoris or penis stimulated may have changed. Research has shown that couples who are a) comfortable talking intimately about sex and who b) regularly update their knowledge about each other’s sex maps derive more pleasure from their lovemaking and sexual encounters. If you know what or how your partner enjoys something, you will be able to increase your partners arousal and pleasure, which typically will enhance your own excitement and pleasure. Deepening the intimacy of your erotic connection has the potential of increasing the amount of lovemaking in your relationship…after all, we tend to pursue what we like and experience as fulfilling.  Here are some important points to remember when you talk about sex:

1. Timing can be everything. Together choose a time when you are comfortable and relaxed to ask each other questions or share a request. While you would always want to let your lover know in the moment if you are in pain or discomfort, asking questions similar to “Why do you never / always do “X” like that?”  while you are having sex can create resentment and feelings of inadequacy with your partner.
2. When making requests or asking for something to change, good communication practices also  apply when talking about sex, i.e. talk about what you are experiencing and feeling rather than discussing what you think the other person is doing “wrong”.
3. Stay connected to your boundary. Don’t get defensive if you find out that your partner has been wanting to try something or would like to change how you have been doing something. This is not about you not being good enough (if that is where you can go in your mind) – this is your partner sharing THEIR experience. Remember that in order to be authentic, as the person who shares, you need to manage your feelings of vulnerability and as the person who is listening, you need to manage any feelings that arise in response to what you are hearing.
4. Honour and respect each other’s level of comfort and ease in revealing your sexual and erotic preferences. If your lover doesn’t feel comfortable sharing a fantasy or discussing any other aspect of your lovemaking, don’t push it and again remember this has nothing to do with you. If you can love each other thru these places of vulnerability or shyness with respect, patience and an attitude of no judgment, you will, together, create a container of emotional safety that will deepen your intimate connection on every level.
5. If you are shy or uncomfortable, name it. If you can, let your partner know why this is more difficult for you. Sometimes  it is helpful to use an “icebreaker” like a scene from a movie, an excerpt from a story, something you heard or saw as a gentle gateway towards more personal revelations. 

  Finally, try and remember what your partner shared with you and be open to getting feedback from each other. Stay tuned for part 2 of “Let’s talk about Sex” where I shine a light on the topic of orgasm, difficulty reaching orgasm and enjoying orgasm together.