Having difficulty asking for what you want? Get help from a baby.

When you were a baby you had no problem making your needs and desires known. You weren’t plagued with self- doubts! What changed? Many of my clients often seek counselling help for depression, relief from anxiety, or counselling support thru grief and loss. As we sift thru the layers, all problems usually have one underlying theme. Even in my work as marriage counsellor the same topic emerges over and over again. This theme is called “I’m not good enough.” How come you’re no longer good enough? What happened to the perfect baby that you were? When you were a baby, you had no sense that there was anything wrong with you. You had no thoughts that you should be different. You didn’t think that you were too short, too fat, too thin, too ugly, too dumb, too difficult or too ______________ Today, do you ever hear a voice in your head say some version of the following to you?

• What’s wrong with you?
• What’s the matter with you?
• When are you going to get it right?

This kind of self-criticism is the result of having internalized messages you heard people say to you when growing up. Praise, the absence of praise or even punishment can create a mindset of needing to do better, of not being good enough. A mindset of striving to be “perfect.” Striving for perfectionism creates a well-developed inner critic; who then interferes with you loving yourself. Limiting the love you have for yourself results in having less respect and esteem for who you are. Low self-esteem erodes your confidence. Here are some examples of what lack of love for self and lack of self-esteem can look like in every day life:

• You get caught up in trying to please others
• You take care of others but neglect your own self-care
• You put your own needs last – you don’t ask for what you want
• You procrastinate doing things that would be good for you
• You get caught up in anxiety worrying about the “should haves”
• You don’t ask for the raise you deserve
• You don’t charge enough money for your services
• You mistreat your body with food, alcohol, lack of sleep or lack of exercise
• You allow your partner or others to belittle you
• You minimize your accomplishments

How can you make positive changes in your life? It starts with loving yourself. We are all our own harshest critics. One excellent way to change your negative self-talk is doing mirror work. Try looking into your eyes and saying “I love and accept you just the way you are” Add your name, for example “I love you Sally, I love and accept you just the way you are.” Notice what thoughts surface. Pay special attention to negative thoughts such as

• Yea, right… but if you’re so great how come…
• Who do you think you are?…
• Who are you kidding?…

Using a journal to jot down what surfaces, can help you identify where that thought comes from and what it is really about. Babies are not afraid to ask for what they want. Babies feel free to express their emotions. Learn from the genuine expression of babies. Connect to staying in the present, rather than worrying about mistakes you made in the past or things you might do “wrong” in the future.   As you work on your inner dialogue, practice giving yourself permission to be authentic… like a baby. Choose one area in your life for loosening up your unrelenting high standards and reducing your perfectionistic behaviours. Strategies to help you cope with change include giving yourself permission to make mistakes, reminding yourself of the consequences of your perfectionism, learning to laugh, and rewarding yourself often for the small steps you make towards change.