How to shift back to YES in the bedroom

As a marriage counsellor and sex therapist I often hear couples talk about one partner having less desire for intimacy. Once upon a time everything was fine, but today there seems to be a reluctance to initiate and often the answer is No. Would you agree that for  many, but especially for women,  a “yes” is impacted by how emotionally connected you are feeling?  An emotional connection is directly related to how open or guarded your heart is.  What affects the heart space? Resentment, disappointment, frustration, sadness and hurt will cause your heart to become careful and less open. Of course feeling seen, heard and understood, appreciated and loved  will create trust and connection and openness. Today I want to look at one particular dynamic that affects how open and connected you are feeling, the dynamic of giving and receiving. Pause for a moment and check in with yourself. What type of giver are you? Are you very nurturing and caring? Do you give freely of your time and energy? Do you give your partner a lot of love? I am sure that many of the things you do are pure acts of love. You are detached from the outcome. You are doing it simply because it makes you feel good and you want to. However – if you are like most people, some of the things you do are part of an “unwritten contract.” I am not suggesting that you are always aware of this “contract.” You do become very aware however when it isn’t fulfilled. 

Does any of these scenarios / thoughts resonate with you?

• You do nice things – and they aren’t fully appreciated or perhaps not even noticed.
• Often it feels like no matter what you do, it’s never enough or not good enough.
• Your partner always seems to notice what you didn’t do, rather than cutting you some slack and acknowledging all the good you are doing.
• You’re tired of your partner not being accountable to their commitments in your home and you feel like you always end up having to pick up the slack.
• Somehow you are “always” the one who has to be disciplined and conscientious while your partner has no problem relaxing or taking time out for themselves.

The bottom line – you have been over giving!! and now you feel hurt, or disappointed and you are guarding your heart a little bit or a lot…. and so you say No. How to shift? Whether you are responding to a request or you are doing something because a little voice says you should – check in with yourself first and establish whether you are in a place of openness and ease. Does whatever you are about to do make you feel good? Noticing how you feel in your body is a great barometer. If you feel contracted, grumpy, frustrated, impatient, obligated – you are setting yourself up for disappointment. If you are at the receiving end of your partner’s increased level of self-care and potential “No” to your requests, you may not like it very much in the beginning. But in the long term it will benefit your relationship and safeguard you both from developing a score card mentality.  Let’s look at the flip side: How well can you receive? Can  you allow yourself to be vulnerable to receive help or support? Can you get past shame, body image issues, and old scars to be able to receive? Can you receive without feeling the need to give back immediately to “even the score”? Take a moment to reflect if your “No” in the bedroom is connected to a difficulty in receiving, If the giving and receiving dynamic in your relationship has affected your heart and your desire to answer “Yes”, then perhaps it is time to sit down and share how you have been feeling. I encourage you to talk about yourself and how you feel, rather than talk about your partner and what you think they are doing “wrong.” The old and tried formula of “I feel ____________ when you ______________. Would you be willing to _______________________? can go a long way to re-establishing connection and help you shift from “No” to  a joyful “Yes.”