Published June 24, 2011 | 
This Cannes Lions award-winning short-film project “The Porcelain Unicorn” moved me deeply. The horrors of persecution, a young boy’s gesture which saved a life…perhaps thanks to the magical powers of the Unicorn…
Published June 24, 2011 | 
How do you feel about ageing? If you are reading this and you haven’t hit your 40s yet, you might not spend any time thinking about ageing at this point in your life.
But if you have passed the 40 or 50 mark then you might have spent some time reviewing your life:
- Where has it led you so far?
- Are you being the woman or man you want to be?
- Are you living the life you have always wanted to live?
For many of us, change or transition is part of the “mid-life” period. Children grow up and leave the nest, parents age and caregiving roles become reversed, marriages fall apart due to “mid-life crisis.
It is natural to re-evaluate goals, dreams and challenges when you are faced with transitions in your life. Life-transition counselling can help you navigate this exciting period which is often overshadowed with “heavier” feelings such as loss or grief.
We live in an era that cultivates and approaches life with a very different mindset compared to the beliefs our grandparents grew up with. Many of us, particularly if we have the privilege of living in a civilized, peaceful and affluent part of the globe have started to embrace the notion that we create our own reality.
In our consumer and industry driven part of the world, what that reality looks like is heavily influenced by the media and ultimately by politics.
Ageing or better said “preserving youthfulness” is a multi-billion industry that encompasses everything from cosmetics to supplements. While different messages about the benefits or drawbacks of ageing compete for our attention, our cultural heritage and family values continue to have a large impact on our attitudes and beliefs.
Hence, your mindset and your internalized beliefs will influence the ease with which you might navigate life transition periods or why you might seek life transition counselling.
This is good news! Why? Because you can choose the thoughts you think.
Fascinating studies from people like Ellen Langer at Harvard, show that the belief system someone has by the age of nine determines what they believe about aging. Those who believe that as you age you become wise and that there are positive things associated with aging, add seven years to their life.
If you didn’t grow up with a positive belief system about aging, it’s not too late to shift your way of 
thinking. Dr. Christian Northrup’s response to the question of how women can overcome guilt and other self-perpetuating abuse, is to switch focus.
Switch your focus from everything that can go wrong to everything that can go right.
Therefore, when you are navigating a transition period in your life connected to mid-life change and the prospects of aging, think positive thoughts, think about the things you love and focus on living the life of your dreams… it might just extend your life span and will certainly help you make positive life changes.
Posted in Blog Posts | 
aging, freedom, Joy, life transition counselling, mid-life crisis, positive life changes | 
Leave a commentPublished May 27, 2011 | That would be a logical conclusion to come to if you happen to watch the latest Nabisco Cookie commercial for the “Chips Ahoy Chewy Gooey Cookies” because… “they are crammed with joy.”
In these times of stress many individuals struggle with increased depression and anxiety. As you may know, when you’re depressed, your serotonin levels are low. Low serotonin levels in turn trigger cravings for refined carbohydrates like cookies or chocolate.
When advertising helps instill the belief that a cookie is “crammed with joy” is it any wonder that the rate of emotional eating related weight gain is also on the rise?
Let’s not forget that children watch TV as well.
(The cookie commercial is geared towards children) Between the age of 4 to 10, children develop their ability to think. How many of us think to point out to a 6 year old that a cookie is actually not crammed with joy? To the average adult it is just advertising that we tune out. But somewhere in our brain and somewhere in the developing brain of our children this message gets logged.
So let me repeat my earlier question. Is it any wonder that emotional eating, Food Addiction and obesity are on the rise?
If we take another look at the connection between serotonin levels and cravings we also need to remember that low serotonin levels affect how you feel about yourself. Anyone who has ever felt depressed will recall that they weren’t exactly bursting with self-esteem at the time.
One of the most common grievances accompanying low self-esteem that clients share with me is their fear of weight gain and feeling too fat.
It is a dilemma. Sugar does raise serotonin levels momentarily, so it would appear that the Chips Ahoy Chewy Gooey cookies are indeed “crammed with joy”.
Personally I think I would like the ad better if it ended with one of those rapid monotonous voices we recognize from drug commercials which could say “Some side effects may apply. Eat with caution when depressed. The intense flavor may trigger binge eating, overeating or continuous grazing until the box is empty. After effects may include and are not restricted to weight gain, self-loathing, feelings of powerlessness”.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with Chewy Gooey cookies. As I always say to my clients:
There are no forbidden foods as long as you eat mindfully. So the next time you have a cookie, do enjoy and savor the smooth creamy fudge in the middle.
Then consciously take a breath, connect with your body and check in to see if you really want another cookie. Perhaps you do. If you find yourself eating more than a whole handful, ask yourself what you are really hungry for in this moment.
It may well be that you are looking for a little bit of joy. And that is ok. But remember that you can make a choice. You can eat more cookies, or take another breath, put down the cookies and take a moment to remember what else gives you joy. Maybe you like to hug your pet, kiss your child, play a game, do some gardening…
Now check in again with your body. What is truly going to meet your need for joy in this moment?
No matter what choice you end up making, be present with yourself and give yourself permission to truly savor the moment and your chosen activity.
Posted in Blog Posts | Addiction, binge eating, depression, Joy, low self-esteem, obesity | Leave a commentPublished May 3, 2011 | 
Are you getting bigger because you’re keeping yourself small Part 2
Are you busy making sure everyone around you is happy, i.e. do you spend your life pleasing others? Do the needs of those dearest and nearest to your heart control what your day looks like? Do you feel like you can never do what YOU want?
Part 1 of this series discussed how assuming responsibility for the wellbeing of others can contribute to emotional stress. Feelings of anxiety, worry or pressure can trigger Emotional Eating or other unhealthy coping habits like shopping addiction or internet addiction for someone who has gotten used to soothing inner frustrations from the “outside.”
When you are busy focusing on the happiness of others, it’s easy to get disconnected from your own needs.
What do I mean, when I talk about “needs”? I like the definition of needs by Manfred Max Neef, an economist from Chile known for his human development model based on fundamental human needs.
Manfred Neef identified 9 basic human needs that we all share:
- Sustenance – the basic physical needs such as food, air, water and shelter
- Safety and protection
- Love and affection
- Empathy
- Rest, recreation, play
- Community
- Creativity
- Autonomy
- Identity – need for meaning and purpose – need to contribute to life and how our efforts are making life and our surroundings richer.
In this post I would like to focus on the need of Autonomy.
In my work with clients, I have noticed that a yearning or longing for independence or, shall we say a perceived lack of freedom to be who you want to be and do what you want to do in your life can be a contributing factor to emotional eating, overspending or other self-soothing activities.
We all need autonomy.
Having autonomy implies freedom and choice. Your ability to listen and trust the voice in your heart increases, when you have the freedom to make your own decisions and follow your volition.
Low self-esteem and closed-mindedness dramatically impact autonomy.
When you are the prisoner of your inner critic which is telling you that you aren’t good enough or that you don’t deserve certain things, you lose your freedom. While perhaps nobody in your environment is curtailing your autonomy, you end up limiting your own freedom.
Getting caught up in feeling responsible to make everyone happy, can leave you feeling like there is very little room left for you to exercise autonomy.
Journaling can be an excellent tool to help you get in touch with what you really want and the person you really want to be.
Try this exercise called “Emptying out” at the end of the day. Mentally go thru your day and remember those moments when you felt frustrated, hurt, disappointed or anxious or any other emotions that left you feeling stressed and contracted. If you’re an emotional eater for example, go back to all the times you ate when you weren’t hungry physically.
- What was going on for you?
- What inner conflict were you caught in?
- What would you have really liked to do or say but didn’t?
- Why didn’t you?
Stay tuned for Part 3 of this series where we will look at the need of rest, recreation and play and how playing can impact your weight.
In the meantime, I wish you continued success in making positive life changes.
Published April 1, 2011 | Do you have a vision, a passion, a desire to do something? Do you have a Dream?
What are you doing to make your dream become reality?
If your answer is “nothing”, because
- It’s just not possible right now
- It’s just a silly dream, it’s not realistic
- I can’t afford to have dreams, I have responsibilities
- I don’t have the time
- It’s never going to happen anyway…
I urge you to reconsider. Not answering the call of a passion that lives inside you comes at a price. If you always have to push down something that wants to come out in your life you will pay for it with your health.
Ignoring a dream or sitting with a permanent longing is painful. While your rational mind may have reasons and your inner critic may have comments, you are living in inner conflict.
You are torn between a “I would really love to do this” and “I can’t”.
This kind of inner conflict takes away hope.
Hope can be a soothing balm for an aching soul.
While one part of you may be busy extinguishing your dreams, another part of you is grieving.
If you are forced to always push down an energy that wants to emerge, you risk suffering from depression at some point.
Furthermore, this kind of inner conflict is painful. It’s only natural that you’ll try to make the pain go away. If you repeatedly try to make the pain of unmet needs in your life go away either using a mood altering substance such as Alcohol, drugs (prescription or otherwise) or a particular activity you might one day find yourself addicted to your method of coping.
In the beginning that shopping trip to the mall makes you feel better, or the thrill of the gambling table distracts you. That drink allows you to mellow and that pill may help you forget for a while.
But when the effect wears off, you will be right back in your place of conflict between the pain of an unmet need – in this case the realization of your dream and the rational voice that tells you it’s not going to happen.
I invite you to set aside some time and explore:
- What parts of you are you trying to ignore?
- What parts of you have been overly concerned with trying to please others at the cost of putting your own pleasures last?
As you contemplate the idea of making some changes you might get stuck in a place of black and white thinking or being overwhelmed by your inner critic.
Try this exercise called a cost and benefit analysis. Take a sheet of paper and draw a large “+” sign creating two columns and two rows.
In the top left quadrant make a list of the benefits of not following your dream or giving energy to what you are not expressing. (e.g. being responsible, being “a grown up” etc.)
In the bottom left quadrant, write about the costs of not following your dream (e.g. depression, sadness, irritability etc.)
In the top right quadrant write about the benefits of taking action and following your dream (e.g. excitement and passion in your life, new opportunities, etc.)
In the bottom right quadrant write about the costs of following your dream (e.g. anxiety, people judging you, etc.)
Sometimes it’s useful to enlist the help of a trusted friend or partner in this exercise, someone who can help you find your blind spots and/ or encourage you to look at the possibilities.
You always have choices. Even when it feels like you don’t have a choice, you are still making one. Often just the reframing and getting in touch with your current choice and the need that your current choice is meeting can shift the energy. Rather than being powerless you become empowered.
Your own dreams deserve the same respect and loving attention that you give to everything and everyone else that you love.
Allow yourself the thrill of your own passion…and breathe and ground thru the feelings of anxiety that can arise with that excitement. Don’t focus on all the what if’s. Instead activate trust in yourself. Activate your confidence in the possibility.
A great way to do this is by creating a vision board. Here is a link where John Assaraf explains how to create a vision board. http://tinyurl.com/yagc5y6
Give yourself permission to go for it. Allow yourself to dream.
It is thanks to the visions of someone’s dream that today we have internet, can take trips to other parts of the world in a plane and get x-rays ….just to name a few.
Here’s to Happy Dreams…
Published March 15, 2011 | 
You might be wondering what I mean with ”making yourself small”? What I’m referring to, is the popular habit of not paying attention to or denying our needs.
Especially women are still in large part dealing with the impact of their social cultural conditioning of the caretaking role and what that is supposed to look like.
Many of us grew up learning that being a good wife, a good mother, a good daughter or a good friend means putting your own needs last.
For many, it means assuming responsibility for the wellbeing of those “in your care” such as partners, children, family and friends. It goes without saying that when dealing with children this “responsibility” is very real in the case of an infant and it changes as they grow older.
It takes a tremendous amount of energy to feel “responsible” for the wellbeing of someone else.
It involves a number of activities such as mindreading, being an expert about what is good for others, worrying, rescuing, and saying yes when you actually want to say no… just to name a few. In popular psychology we also refer to this kind of behavior as codependency.
The results can range anywhere from feeling unappreciated, frustrated, overwhelmed and stressed to feeling proud of a job well done.
Whenever you choose to put yourself last, no matter how good your intentions, you make yourself small. You give up your power. You can literally feel this “being small” in your body.
I invite you to try the following the next time you do something that you think you should do. Check in with your body. Do you feel expanded, open and full of energy? Or do you feel contracted, collapsed and somewhat tense?
The only way to know the difference between a genuine act of caring and a self-imposed act of caring is in your body.
This kind of stress… physical and emotional is often alleviated with a popular remedy: food.
The problem with trying to fix the state of mind rather than changing the behavior is that while you’re making yourself small, you end up becoming bigger. You gain weight. You start Yo-yo dieting.
You add another layer of stress to your life.
Here are some steps to making positive life changes in the area of self-imposed caring:
- If you have an internal voice in your head telling you that it is your job to take care of others…because if you don’t do it… it won’t get done…or they will be angry or disappointed…
STOP LISTENING now!
This voice is not your friend. It is an outdated echo of the past. - To help you counter the voice that is telling you it is your job to make sure others are happy, memorize this mantra:
“When I make the wellbeing of others my responsibility, when I try to change how they feel, no matter how positive my intention, it’s invasive and cripples them. This behavior undermines those I try to “fix” as well as myself.” - In the beginning you might be plagued with feelings of guilt or anxiety. This mantra will help:
“I am not selfish when I think of myself or act in my own behalf. I have a right to my own body voice, my own body, to know what I think and want and to speak up and ask for it.” - Breathe. When you notice yourself looking for food to change how you feel, stop and breathe. Take 3 breaths into your belly and connect with what you are really wanting or needing in this moment.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of this series, where we will take a look at how to share your needs and make requests to get your needs met with others.
Published August 5, 2010 | A lot of the pain that I witness in my work is connected to not feeling good enough. It is sad to watch the amount of self-flagellation we engage in because of old tapes running through our heads.
I came across this lovely piece of poetry by Donna Henes and would like to offer it in appreciation of the courage and beauty that I am also priviledged to witness every day as I hold space for healing and transformation to occurr.
I AM A DIVINE AND BEAUTIFUL BEING
I CHOOSE TO LIVE EACH MOMENT WITH
APPRECIATION AND COMPLETE ACCEPTANCE
OF MY OWN DIVINITY AND BEAUTY.
I CHOOSE TO APPRECIATE AND ACCEPT
THE BEAUTY IN ALL BEINGS AND
THE PERFECT DIVINITY IN EACH MOMENT
I OPEN MY HEART TO THE POSSIBILITY
OF LOVE AND BENEFIT FROM
EVERY BEING AND EACH MOMENT.
I PURGE MYSELF OF ALL DOUBT,
NEGATIVITY, JUDGMENTAL TENDENCIES,
GUILT, PANIC AND FEARFUL THINKING.
I ALWAYS SEEK THAT WHICH I NEED TO GROW,
TO BUD, TO BLOOM, TO BLOSSOM,
TO FRUIT, TO BEAR SEED.
I DARE TO DRAW INTO MYSELF THE POSITIVE
MANIFESTATION OF EACH TRIAL AND DIFFICULTY;
THE RIGHTNESS OF EVERY LESSON.
I BREATHE DEEPLY AND SAVOR THE LOVE AND
BENEFIT THAT SURROUNDS AND EMBRACES MY LIFE
AS I LIVE IT EACH MOMENT.
I FORGIVE MYSELF WITH EACH BREATH I TAKE AND
RENEW MY TRANSFORMATIVE INTENTIONS
WITH EVERY BEAT OF MY HEART.
I GLORY IN THE GOODNESS AND THE RIGHTNESS
OF ALL THAT I ENCOUNTER
AND ALL THAT I AM
I AM A DIVINE AND BEAUTIFUL BEING.
Published August 4, 2010 | 
Beware of advice that is designed to distract you when you want to overeat. Some time ago a client came to me seeking help to get her spending under control. She was afraid that she was well on her way to becoming a shopaholic.
Originally she’d been seeking help for overeating and binge eating. Internet research had led her to a blog post where the author was suggesting that the next time one felt lonely, depressed, angry or sad, one shouldn’t take a trip to the refrigerator but a trip to the mall.
Skeptical at first but wanting to find a way to control her binge eating, my client gave the advice a try.
One day, just when she was about to devour the rest of a birthday cake in her fridge, she decided to get in the car instead and head over to Winners.
What a combination… the thrill of shopping while saving money!
It seemed to work…because when she left the mall she was in a great mood and the frustrations of the previous hours were momentarily forgotten.
The advice my client had found on the internet, suggested retail therapy to shift her mood combined with a “catch and release” technique.
Essentially, had my client followed the instructions “properly” she should have returned to the mall the next day with all her purchases and receipts in hand to get her money back.
Alas, here the plan failed. It seemed a shame to take some of the things back… besides, she was busy the next day. Thus time passed, until the next shopping spree. Shopping continued to leave her feeling 
thrilled and in a good mood until guilt started to set in.
While her fridge stayed full and her pants were becoming loose, her closet was swelling at an alarming rate…becoming a secret treasure cove filled with items never worn.
Her credit card bills were climbing sky high. Money that had been set aside for other important purposes had been spent.
The good feelings about herself were more and more ephemeral, being drowned out by the tireless voice in her head berating all her faults.
She realized, that she was feeling as poorly as she would feel after overeating. Shopping was definitely not filling her longing to feel good about herself nor her desire for connection. She had only succeeded in trading one unhealthy coping mechanism for another one, just as damaging.
Shopping addicts tend to shop when they feel depressed, lonely or angry. (If you’re wondering whether you’re suffering from Shopping Addiction, read more information here and feel free to contact me for a complimentary consultation).
If you’re trying to overcome binge eating, please realize that distracting yourself with some other compulsive activity is not the solution. Switching from bingeing to shopping did not help my client deal with her feelings of emotional pain.
Given her timely cognizance around this fact however did jump start something positive.
She reached a different level of awareness around her bingeing.
She was clearly able to identify when she was about to eat for other reasons than hunger.
This process of stopping – even if just for a moment – while resting in a place of mindfulness is the first step towards healing binge eating and overeating.
There is an exciting wave of mindfulness sweeping across North America. Ever since Geneen Roth has appeared on the Oprah Show and Oprah has endorsed the content of her new book “Women, Food and God” women and men have found motivation and courage to examine their relationship with food.
I am thrilled at how well Geneen’s Book “Women, Food and God” compliments my coaching course “Stop the Weight loss Boomerang – How to Stop Yo-yo Dieting and Emotional Eating”. Geneen uses a body-centered approach which is very similar to how I work and I am recommending her book to anyone with a desire to examine their emotional relationship with food.
So if you’re about to binge….rather than heading to the shopping mall… head to the bookstore 
Posted in Blog Posts | binge eating, Geneen Roth, help for overeating, mindfulness, Oprah, shopaholic, shopping addiction | Leave a commentPublished August 3, 2010 | 
Etymologically speaking, the word „DIET“ comes from the Greek „diaita” which means manner of living or way of life. In this context, DIET can be the answer to healing your relationship with food and emotional eating.
As a therapist who specializes in Emotional Eating and Addictions I do not endorse diets where diet 
means restricting food types and quantities for the purpose of weight loss.
In my experience, as soon as someone attaches themselves to a set of strict dietary rules they are detaching themselves from the connection to their body and from the ability to tune in and ascertain what their body wants.
Unless there are specific contributing factors such as certain health issues or side effects to medication, anyone who has a weight problem has most likely some sort of emotional connection to food and a disconnect from their body.
Whenever we overeat we’re not connected to our body.
When someone is on a diet, they are forced to override the hunger signals of the body in order to follow the prescribed quantities and types of food to be consumed.
Furthermore, diets activate a deprivation mentality. Instead of connecting to what one is really hungry for, all one often thinks about is the food that is “off limits”.
Returning to the concept of mindfulness, becoming present and connected to one’s body would be the first step to addressing emotional eating and the consequences of excess weight. A diet prevents that from happening.
When food and eating have become a way to get grounded, fill a sense of emptiness or longing or a way of swallowing one’s feelings, a diet becomes a temporary diversion from the current underlying issue.
Some individuals enjoy the rules and structure a diet gives them. They experience a sense of control. Others get even more stressed by diets.
Going on a diet is really a way of saying, “I don’t trust myself. I cannot trust myself. If I don’t have rules, I will not be able to control what I do with food.”
Ironically, often so much time and effort is spent on implementing controls, that the underlying issues are effectively – if momentarily- lost. What would happen if instead of struggling with dietary rules and senses of failure or victory, the underlying discomfort was actually felt and experienced? What if one could come to a place of trusting oneself to sit with and experience feelings such as fear, grief or anger? What if diet could stand for a compassionate dialogue with self?
Many yo-yo dieters struggle with poor body image. The diet mindset only reinforces the notion that there is something wrong. That one’s worth is somehow tied to a number on a scale!!
After years of dieting, this rollercoaster of gathering hope as some of the weight comes off and then being plunged back into an abyss of failure as the weight creeps back on, again perpetuates a disconnect from the underlying issues and needs that are being deflected in this merry-go-round.
If we connect diet and nutrition, where diet is a way of life and of connecting to self and the environment with mindfulness, more of us could rediscover the benefits of eating local and seasonal produce.
Not only would this “diet” reduce our ecological footprint, our bodies would benefit as well.
In this day and age of busy schedules, and particularly as urban dwellers, these might be lofty or unrealistic goals. But tuning in and learning what “diet” our particular body thrives on…with the emphasis on “our body” and not on “our head” would certainly be a step towards health and healing from the diet mindset.
Published June 2, 2010 | 
Gimme, gimme, gimme my toy … teaching your child stress tolerance can be more labor intensive than saying yes and an important part of her/his development.
I recently sat in a coffee shop beside a mother with two young toddlers.
Mom was chatting with a friend and the toddlers were happy to be kept occupied with a cartoon they were watching on Mom’s iPhone.
Only moments before, Mom’s friend had wanted to see the iPhone. When Mom had handed her the phone, one child immediately grew restless. She said to her friend: “You better give it back, because Jimmy (fictitious name) gets impatient quickly.” And in fact, he almost immediately started wailing “Gimme, gimme, gimme…”
I’m relating this incident not to criticize the mother or her children. But it made me wonder if today’s children will have lower stress tolerance when they are adults than previous generations.
How will they learn to be present in the moment with themselves and their thoughts if they are constantly entertained, soothed and distracted?
How will they learn, if so many of us as adults are not able to model stress tolerance?
We live in a world of instant gratification. Fast food, fast service… for many wanting something means wanting it now. We live stressed lives, constantly on the clock.
I regularly hear my clients share how overwhelmed they feel. A full time job, children, a mortgage, regular sex with a partner, exercise, home cooked meals, soccer practices, ballet classes, continuing education…the list is endless.
In order to cope, many shut down or cut themselves off from their body. Depending on the situation, they give up, get angry or irritable or try to escape.
Escape can sometimes be as close as the next drive thru at Tim Hortons or a trip to the fridge. Emotional eating is often an attempt to escape from uncomfortable feelings and what Geneen Roth is calling “The Voice” in her latest book “Women, Food and God.”
“The Voice” running in your head telling you that you’re supposed to be a perfect parent, partner and employee. And it doesn’t stop here, often it also tells you that you should be slim, trim and fit (let’s not forget sexy).
Because if you’re not thin… then you’re already failing. You are already not good enough.
And so the vicious cycle starts. Unbearable feelings and demands that are overwhelming. Standards, which are impossible to reach.
We need a quick fix, because there is so much to do. Here’s a drink. Have a smoke. Go shopping. Eat this fabulous food… and you will be as happy as the people you see in the commercials. The beautiful people who are having fun and coping with life with a smile on their face.
Learning to develop healthy coping mechanisms to the stressors of life is a first step to heal emotional eating or other forms of addiction. People who have an emotional relationship with food and a low mood tolerance often resort to binge eating, vomiting, or excessive exercising to get relief from intense feelings.
It takes energy and patience to sit through children’s “growing stages” and temper tantrums while they learn to wait and self-soothe.
Don’t forget to breathe and tune in with what is happening for you in those moments. Acknowledge your feelings to yourself and acknowledge your child’s feelings. Yes, it is hard to wait and feel uncomfortable. But the more we learn to breathe and self-soothe, the less uncomfortable we are.
I invite you to check out Sarah Zeldman’s , free ‘Stress-Relief-Kit-for-Moms’.
If you are a stressed parent, giving yourself permission to relax, unwind and recharge in a healthy way, allows you to take better care of yourself and consequently your family.
Furthermore, you will be modeling and teaching your children how to develop a higher tolerance to stress without resorting to unhealthy or addictive behavior.
Posted in Blog Posts | Emotional Eating, Geneen Roth, stress tolerance, stressed parents, The Voice | Leave a comment
