Has Addiction damaged your self-esteem?
It doesn’t matter whether you love someone who is struggling with Addiction or if you are an Addict, part of the emotional roller coaster of living with Addiction is the impact it has on your self-esteem. As an Addictions Counsellor and Marriage therapist I often help couples navigate the journey of recovery from co-depency and other addiction to rebuilding trust and self-esteem.
Can you relate to Hank and Renée? When Hank and Renée came to see me for Relationship Therapy and Addiction counselling, a major issue in their relationship was lack of trust caused by broken promises. Promises made by Hank to stop with his cocaine addiction. Renée was a classic loved one who had stuck by her husband during 4 years of cocaine addiction feeling helpless, powerless, confused, hurt and overwhelmed. In the beginning she tried to fix things, trying to control his addiction by trying to manage his moods and environment. She pleaded and cajoled; she issued ultimatums that she never followed through on, and she believed Hank when he promised yet again that this was the last time, that he was truly quitting, that he was going to be sober from now on. The addiction roller coaster had been hard on both of them. Renée felt unloved and hopeless and Hank felt like a loser. Why did he keep hurting this woman who loved him. Why was he destroying his own life? Renée felt like she was walking on eggshells. She wanted to be hopeful and supportive but she had heard these promises so many times before. Now Hank was accusing her of being anxious and controlling. Renée felt like she had to choose between expressing how she felt or suppressing her feelings.
- You are not a bad or a loser because you have become to rely on a substance or a behaviour to help you cope with emotional stress or overwhelm in your life
- You are still loveable even if you have lied and/ or betrayed others because you were driven by your addiction
- Even though you may feel shame and regrets, you still deserve to be loved and to walk in the world holding your head high
- You are not the cause, nor will you ever be “the cure” for an Addiction
- You are not bad and you haven’t done anything wrong
- You are not too much and your feelings of anxiety, discouragement or frustration are all legitimate – feelings are not rational and you are allowed to feel your feelings
- Your loved one’s relapses are not about you and have nothing to do with you not being lovable
- Saying No and setting boundaries, practicing self-care and not colluding does not make you selfish nor are you ruining your loved one’s life
You deserve to love yourself because you are doing the best you can. If you are on the road of recovery (from your Addiction or your co-dependent behavior) you are making healthier choices. You are learning to cope with your life differently. No, you can’t turn back the clock and undo pain you may have caused. But moving forward you can make amends to the people you may have hurt. You can practice accountability to yourself and your sobriety and to those you love by showing up every day from a place of intention and willingness.
Continuing an old behaviour is a choice. You can make more loving choices. You can reach out and call your sponsor, therapist, support person, crisis line, priest etc. before you choose to use. You can practice mindfulness and a continuous inventory of self so you can prevent relapse.
You can practice forgiveness. As you lovingly forgive yourself for having abandoned yourself and those you love you learn to move on. The past is already over. You cannot change it. But you can look for the good in your life and in this moment. You can love yourself just the way you are from a place of humbleness and compassion.
You can learn to become your own best friend and lover. Treat and speak to yourself the way you would to someone who is infinitely precious to yourself.